Here you are in the midst of an IVF cycle- an emotional, physical, and spiritual battle that you never wanted to fight. It’s a grueling journey, you’re tired, maybe a little discouraged, your stomach is probably covered in bruises. You may be asking yourself how you can go on living like this, the end of this journey may feel elusive and distant.
This journey is not for the faint of heart. I know first-hand what it feels like. I know the pain- pain in my body and my soul. I know what it feels like to live your life around the alarms on your phone reminding you to take a pill or give yourself a shot in the stomach. I know what it feels like to carry around needles and syringes and ice packs in your purse. I know what it feels like to wake up early for doctor’s appointments and undergo invasive exams. I know the pit in your stomach when an unexpected medical bill arrives in the mail. I know the ways that hormones wreak havoc on bodies and minds and emotions.
I know the toll that infertility takes. I know the heartbreak. I know the disappointments. I know the fear of never having children to call your own. I know the frustration when your own body has betrayed you- again. I know the prayers you’ve probably prayed and the tears you’ve likely cried. I know the anger and the frustration. I know the feeling that everything you’ve ever wanted is slipping right through your fingertips and that you have no power to make it stop.
It sucks. And I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s not fair and it’s not right. And if you need to sit on the bathroom floor and cry for an hour, I support you in that. If I was there, I would sit right there with you and cry my eyes out along side you. And I would give you the biggest hug, and I wouldn’t tell you to cheer up or look on the bright side. I wouldn’t tell you to just relax and I wouldn’t tell you that all this pain is just part of God’s plan for you- because I don’t believe that it is.
I believe in a God that loves you and cares about you. I believe that He sees you and that His eye is always upon you. I believe that our pain and agony does not come from Him, in fact I believe that He died to save us from sin and sickness and death. I don’t believe He orchestrated your pain, but I do believe He planned a way to comfort you, redeem you, and deliver you in the midst of it. I believe that this story ends with all things working together for our good, because He loves us, a lot.
So after your tears have fallen, you’ve made your way through a box of kleenex, a carton of ice cream and a whole series of your favorite show on Netflix, I would remind you of this:
You are a warrior. You have what it takes to fight this battle. You are strong. And You are an incredible mom.
You really are. You might not have babies to hold in your arms, but the way you are fighting for their little lives is proof enough for me- you are momma bear and you are not to be trifled with. May God have mercy on the soul of anyone who tries to mess with your kiddos, because heaven knows, their momma is a fighter and she’s not messing around.
So, sweet friend, when it feels like you’re at the end of yourself, pushed to the limits, and ready to break- remember the strength that is in you, remember the joy that lays ahead of you, and remember the miracles that you are fighting for. But most importantly, remember the God that loves you, the God who sees you, and the God who fights for you. The pressure is off of you to do everything right, in fact this was never your battle to fight alone. He’s with you ever step of the way. And guess what, there are thousands of other women standing in solitary with you too. I promise that you never have to do this alone.
Hugs to you, sweet friend, you’ve got this.
The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.
P.S. Need some more encouragement? Here are a few more verses (and my own summary of them) to explore.
Genesis 50:20– what the enemy meant to harm you, God will use for your good and the good of others
Psalm 73:26 — your body may be failing you, but the Lord is the Strength of your heart
Romans 8:28 — God is able to turn this season of pain in your life into something GOOD
Deuteronomy 31:6 — There’s nothing to be afraid of, God is never going to leave you on your own