A few weeks ago my sweet sister-in-law wrote a blog post called Mom Tears following the birth of her first son (and my precious nephew). It’s essentially the story of the tears cried (in joy and pain and fatigue) in the first few days of new motherhood.
I admit it took me a few attempts to finally read the post in it’s entirety. It’s a very touching and I went through several stages of emotions while reading it.
Her post made me wonder what it would be like to cry Mom Tears, because at this time in my life I only know what it is like to cry tears of a 2 year struggle with infertility- the cries not of a mom, but of one who longs to be one. I am a firm believer that one day I will be one. So though, I don’t know what it’s like to cry mom tears, I am very well aquatinted with the tears of a future mom.
This is the story of my Future Mom Tears.
I cried future mom tears when I first felt ready to start trying to grow our family. I didn’t know if my husband would be on the same page and ready too- he was.
I cried future mom tears when I first realized I was not in control of my future pregnancy- several months after trying and with no luck so far.
I cried future mom tears the month after that- and essentially every month thereafter, wondering and worrying that there was something wrong with me.
I cried future mom tears looking up pregnancy symptoms online, comparing them with my own, convincing myself that my time had finally come, only to discover that it had not.
I cried future mom tears in my doctor’s office, telling her about my frustrations after nearly a year of trying, asking her to run a hormone panel on me, an ultrasound, anything that could tell me what I needed to do to get pregnant faster.
I cried future mom tears looking up pregnancy announcements on Pinterest, dreaming and plotting of the ways I would share our joy with my family.
I cried future mom tears as major milestones passed without a pregnancy- birthdays, holidays, Christmas (yet again), all reminding me of how far we had come without progress.
I cried future mom tears as I calculated due dates, deciding that this was the Perfect month to get pregnant because the due date was so perfect. And I cried future mom tears as I watched those dates pass by.
I cried future mom tears while taking Clomid. First, because we had new hope! And secondly, because the side effects were just awful.
I cried future mom tears as more tests came in- abnormal. I cried as I thought of the journey ahead of me- fearful of infertility treatments and facing the unknown.
I cried future mom tears at pretty much every pregnancy announcement that came my way. And, not because I wasn’t happy for my dear friends. In fact, I might have been the most happy of anyone. I know what it’s like to want a child and what a blessing it must be to be pregnant. And it makes me cry.
I cried future mom tears as I cried over those pregnancy announcements- crying because I felt guilty for crying. Crying because even though I really was happy for them- I was just so sad for me.
I cried future mom tears at every single baby commercial. Especially the Johnson’s commercial with the baby voiceover, telling his mom that she is doing a good job, and asking “can I call you mom?”
And I cried future mom tears writing that right now.
I cried future mom tears with each roller coaster treatment ride- each time that I was fully convinced in my heart that this was our month of victory. And I cried future mom tears at each disappointing pregnancy test, each single line staring back at me. It’s a no.
I cried future mom tears as I began to engage with other ladies going through a similar struggle, realizing that I am not alone, realizing the amount of people carrying around heartache just like mine. And I cried future mom tears feeling a maternal instinct toward those who are hurting- wanting to make it better for them.
And so now I sit here, crying future mom tears on behalf of all of us who are waiting and praying for our miracle. I cry for the pain, but I also cry for the hope.
The hope of answered prayers, the hope of God’s faithfulness in the waiting, the hope of seeing ourselves on the other side of the journey. I know that there is hope. He is the God of Hope. And His Hope does not disappoint.
My prayer for us all today, is that we would cry our future mom tears with a calm assurance of His Hope. And I pray that one day- our future mom tears will subside, and we can begin our crying (and rejoicing) again, this time as real moms- with real mom tears.